Huimei has had a pretty busy week. Between yanking her braidy accidentally, cursing high heels, waking up at 7 to go to work then wasting her life away entering data, she pretty much hasnt had time for much else.
Except to think
I can't remember much of sundays sermon, mainly cause I wasnt listening. I hardly do, really. To tell the truth, I can barely remember what was said except that kai min showed us some wierd marching video and delivered the message, and eunice also shared. The main point is- something happened.
Usually in our church, you can tell when an altar calls coming. The sermon ends earlier, Pastor comes on and says smth serious, then he asks to dim the lights, gets someone to play the piano, and dun dun dun dun altar call. And usually, I don't respond. Why should I?
Anyway, rules are meant to be broken, which is why I ended up on my knees at the front that day.
What is your life ambition?
Nothing. I have not the faintest Idea where I'm going now, or what I want to do. All I know is to take one day at a time, and it should work out ok. But now I find myself passing the time pointlessly, wastefully. There is next to nothing to differentate one day from the next. All I'm concerned with is how to make time pass faster so that I can get on to the next day. When I was in that moment, it was ok. I just thought to myself- this is the way life is, no? Our days all blend together in a bunch of memories anyway, its not like each and everyday has to be some sort of milestone, not like something super special or exciting has to happen everyday or smth, cause then if every days exciting then it would all be the same again right.
Its like, I have no reason to complain. Everything in my life may not be great, but the good evens out the bad, a little give and take, a little compromise and it works out ok.
Thing is, I cant go on like this forever.
No one can, especially not someone like me. There is a heavy weight about my neck and till the noose is undone it will keep tightening.
Dont get me wrong, I dont live in its shadow constantly. If I'm happy, I'm happy, if i'm sad, I'm sad, and its not very hard to tell. It just bugs me and gets bigger and uglier.. Till I learn how to cut this gordion knot I can foresee that it will be harder for me to be happy , to be wierd and retarded as usual. I fear that it will be hard for me to be sad even, to feel pain, empathy, anything.
. I am afraid that I wil no longer be myself, and that fear is made worse by the reality that is it could happen.
I in no way imply that I intend to find the meaning of life, or in some way come up with some wierd aspiration to work towards. Obviously any sort of romance would not only fail by far to help, it would also serve to make things worse since I'm into the superficialities of it still, and now is not the time. Material thing are out, duh, along with any (future) academic pursuits. Even my art, poems which used to bite to my core, paintings I could gaze at endlessly , they have stopped touching me now.
feels like I'm fading away. really.
Where is my short, wretched, mortal life going?
Currently Huimei doesnt feel so good. As this can be categorised as a natural disaster, aid in the form of people with dependable shoulders, listening ears, lots of time and lots of patience would be much apprciated. Donations of prayers will also be taken with much gratitude.
Good night.
